06 May, 2016

It's cool.....I'll date myself

Over the last six months or so, I’ve gone on a LOT of dates with a lot of different guys.

I’m not sure if you lined all the dudes up on paper it would make any sense that they were all going out on dates with the same girl.

Huh…that sounded less weird in my head, but it’s true.

There was no rhyme or reason, no specific type in terms of personality or even physical appearance. But that’s kind of the purpose of dating, right? Meet all the guys and figure out what you are really looking for.

Prior to diving head first into dating again, I was feeling pretty darn good about myself and who I am as a person—not a woman, but a person. I felt like I was in a great place emotionally and was ready to try and open myself up to the idea of sharing my time and life with another person.

So I went on my first date in months. And then another first date with another guy. And then another and another. And with each newly scheduled outing, I was feeling less interested in the process and the person sitting across from me. Each time I got myself ready for a date, I’d think “Well, here we go again! Another round of 20 questions talking about what I like, what I like to do, where I see myself in five years, and blah blah blah". I jokingly told friends I was just going to bring a resume regarding my dating history, interests and future plans, hand it to the guy and let him know I'd be happy to answer any additional questions.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some potentials, but there was always “something missing”. Not a spark, I gave up expecting a “spark” a long time ago, but it was a gut thing. Something was just plain missing, even after following my second date rule (i.e. unless the dude was a total creeper or we just really didn’t hit it off, I typically always agree to a second date). And the more dates I went on, the more I began to feel like there was/is something wrong with me.

Why were these guys totally interested in me while we were texting? Why could I spend an hour on the phone with them and have it NOT be weird, but the minute I was in front of them, face to face it all fell apart? Why did they think I was “an awesome chick!” on paper, but in person I didn’t quite live up to their expectations?

The first thing I started to do was to criticize my physical appearance. I mean, what else could it have been? They’d seen my face. They thought was pretty, super attractive, one dude even kept telling me how “HOT!” I was, but it didn’t seem to matter. It seemed like I wasn’t pretty or attractive enough. And then I started to pick apart all the other parts of myself in an attempt to figure out what was wrong: was I not funny enough? Did I smile too much? Did I not smile enough? Did I not laugh at their jokes? Was I not smart enough? Not interesting enough?

The list of what was wrong with me started to grow and it all got a little out of hand, so I decided to take all my stuff down and give myself a break. I figured it’d help ease the frustration of not being “good enough” and that I could get back to feeling like myself.

Sadly, that isn’t what has happened. I’m still struggling to remind myself that I am pretty awesome. I’m still struggling to remind myself that no matter the expectation of friends, family, society, I’m pretty o.k. with flying solo and that I have a pretty great life because of that. I’m still struggling to find myself again.

As has happened many times before because she find all the fun stuff on the internet, my friend Micah recently posted about a 10 day Date Yourself Challenge beginning May 13th. I didn’t have any intention of signing up for the challenge when I first read about it, but it sounded like an interesting idea. After reading the short description and watching the video on Veronica Grant’s website, I decided I was in. I decided this is what I needed to get myself back on track and back to feeling like myself.

I'm excited to see what the challenge holds but more importantly what I learn about myself over the 10 days of the challenge!

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