Follow Your Gut....Take a Chance

18 May, 2016

I had something totally different planned for todays post, but decided to keep it for another day.

Instead, I’ve decided to share/something else.

This morning while still hanging out in bed, cursing my alarm going off at 4:30am (at some point you’d think I’d be used to having to get up this early every morning, but no, after 7 months, I still hate it) I read the email we received from Veronica Grant for Day 6 of the #dateyourselfchallenge.

Today’s prompt was Do something that makes you feel strong!

One of the suggestions she gave was “When you have to make a decision, consider how you FEEL about it, rather than what you think about it”.

I’m going to let everyone in on a little not really much of a secret……..I don’t follow my gut. I don’t do things based on how I feel. I overthink the crap out of EVERYTHING. And when it comes right down to it, I usually make decisions based on fear: What if I fail? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I take a chance and it is the wrong decision? What if I get hurt?

And when it comes to relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, etc.) it is even worse! I really get caught up in my own head and fall into such a destructive pattern of thinking and become so paralyzed with fear, I don’t do anything at all! I leave it to the other person to make the decision for me:
If he wants us to be a thing he’ll totally let me know.
If he wants to hang out, he can call me and make the plan.
I don’t want to bother him, so I’ll just wait until I hear from him.
I don’t want to come off as too needy so I won’t call/text him too much.
I will wait for him to let me know how he feels about me before I tell him how I feel about him.

Needless to say, this doesn’t get me anywhere and I spend a lot of time living with regret. I spend a lot of time wondering how things would be different if I could have JUST said what I was feeling, if I could have just been honest with myself and honest with the other person about what I wanted. There are times when I try to negotiate with that rotting mess of regret in my gut. I try and convince myself that I really did make the right decision. Because if I don’t take those chances that means I won’t get hurt and not getting hurt means I’m “safe”.

But like I said, being safes me dealing with a ridiculous number of questions of “what if”……….
What if I did call him to see if he’d like to hang out?
What if I did “bother” him just to say ‘hi’ and that I was thinking of him?
What if I did tell him how I feel about him because maybe he doesn’t know that I really like him and like spending time with him and what to do more of it?
What if I did tell him I need him to tell me how he feels about me because not knowing is too hard to deal with?
What if I stopped worrying about being rejected and took a chance because maybe he would reject me?

What if I believed in myself enough that none of that mattered?

What if I believed in myself to trust that by taking a chance it means I am not merely existing but am actually living?

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