12 January, 2016

Tarot Reading

 I have lost track of how many times I have started to write this post and failed.

It’s been a struggle to wrap my head around it, which makes it seem like this is going to be a SUPER dramatic post, but really it’s not. I promise.

Last spring, I had a tarot card reading done by Nikkiana. I had never had one done before and thought it would be kind of fun. It was also this same time that I decided to take the plunge into the world of dating again so my question was based around wanting to know when/if I was ready to open my heart to let someone in.

Because I have decided to once again dive head first into the dating world, I asked that same question this time around. I’m not sure what I was expecting from the reading. Maybe just a little reassurance that I really am in as good of a place with myself as I think I am.

The first time I read through the reading, my initial reaction was anger and frustration. I JUST wanted to know that I was o.k. I just wanted to know that there is someone out there for me. But all I could think about was here I had this reading, one more piece of “evidence” that I was broken and needed to be fixed. I immediately set it aside and questioned whether or not I would, even could, pick it back up again.

But I did.

I put on my comfy cloths, poured myself some wine and settled in to take in what the reading had to tell me.

Taking a deep breath, I started to read the reading again and this time felt almost a sense of relief, especially after seeing the date the cards were read on.

This time through, instead of feeling like something was “wrong” with me, it felt like a validation of things I have recently thought about myself and have decided to consciously work on.

The first part of the reading confirmed things I already knew about myself. I may not have liked it and may have pushed against that, but it's true. I don't open up to many people on many levels. I fiercely protect myself by putting up walls that aren't easy to bring down. But while keep all of that walls up that make me feel "safe", they also isolate me and keep me from making really connections with people. And that can be a problem.

The reading started by saying, “As the core of opening your heart up to someone is knowing what it is that you want and being self-assertive about it”. This sentence is at the very core of why I chose the word Selfish for 2016.

As I said in that post, I had someone ask me "what do you want?" and immediately thought to myself, "I can't tell him what I want! He'll think I'm crazy, self-absorbed."

I am so used to setting aside my own feelings about things what I want, need and just generally feel, that allowing myself to ask for what I want does not come easy to me. At all. But without doing so, it’s never going to happen. I’m always going to put myself 2nd and in a relationship, that just isn’t going to work. I need to be a little self-absorbed to get what I want.

This leads us to the next part of the reading which said “You have an unconscious fear in regards to expressing how you really feel in a situation and in particular, a situation where you’re afraid that if you’re honest about your feelings that a person will leave or suddenly become uninterested”.  Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! So much of how we react in relationships is based on our previous experiences. This is exactly what happened in my first, real, romantic and emotionally abusive relationship. I was young and oh so excited to have met an extremely attractive and successful guy that I lost myself. I was so starved for love and attention that I buried myself so he wouldn’t leave. But you can’t bury yourself forever, especially when things start to go poorly. And when I started to assert and stand up for myself he left, but not before telling me how unlovable I was and that I wasn’t worth his or anyone elses time. No matter how many times I told and have continue to tell myself he was wrong, I can still hear those words in my head as if it was yesterday.

The rest of the reading focused on what comes next. And this is where I feel like everything came together for me and where I go the "answer" I was looking for.......

The Expression card says, working on your ability to express yourself and your emotions is very important in the journey to opening your heart. First, expressing how you feel to yourself, and then later, to others. Keeping a journal is a great way to start doing this.
Even before the reading, I knew I needed to start opening up to people more. I've started to do so, but I could do it more. I've been struggling with what I want this space to be for awhile, but I think using this as an outlet to express myself more is the first step. Getting back to keeping a more personal journal to work through some of the deeper heavier things that have keep me from opening up is also one of the things I'll be doing in the new year. I've sporadically kept one, but I need to get back into the habit of using it to get the things I don't like to talk about out of my head.

The Harmony card is all about your vibration and the vibration of others and how they affect one another. If vibration is a foreign concept, it's really all about how you feel and how others trigger you to feel when you're with them. Do you feel happy and energized when you're around a certain person? 
This is something I have really been focusing on since I received my reading. I think we all come to a point where we start to notice relationships change and we don't get what we "need" from them anymore. There are times I am guilty of holding onto bad relationships well past their expiration date. I need to remember to focus on quality and not quantity.

The Shadow Self card is all about digging into those parts of yourself that you'd rather ignore and sweep under the rug. Pay extra attention to the ways in which you're judging yourself harshly, as well.
Of all the things to work on, this is going to be the hardest. Every time I think I have a handle on how I view myself, something happens that reminds me that, "Nope. Still have a lot of hang-ups." When it comes to relationships, I find that often find myself saying, "This person can't possible want to be with me because of X" or "There has to be something wrong with him if he wants to spend time with me".

Despite the initial feelings I had after reading my tarot reading the first time though, I am extremely grateful that I asked Nikkiana to do this for me. I think there are too many instances when we don't allow ourselves to "hear" the hard truths about what is "holding" us back from the life we want to live. For me, this was one of those times. But I needed to hear what the cards had to say. I needed to hear that I have things to work on, but we all have things to work on.

I'm looking forward to the journey ahead of me what and seeing what this crazy thing called life has in store for me.

If you 'd like to have a reading done by Nikkiana, she has a store set up on Etsy. I ABSOLUTELY recommend having one done. I definitely will ask her to read for me again in the future.






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