04 January, 2016

Chronicles of Dating: The Insecurities

Every time I have ventured into the world of online dating, it’s been an interesting experience. I learn different things about myself, human nature, etc.

This time around has been no different.

This time around I have been noticing all my insecurities about myself are coming out. And I don’t know why.

Enough // We all have this one, I’m sure. Freaked out that we aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, funny enough. It sucks. But reminding ourselves that we are in fact, “enough” is a hard fought battle worth fighting.

Framed // One of the guys I have been chatting with (I so dig him right now, it’s not even funny—we’ll discuss him at a later date hopefully) asked for a different photo from what is on my profile. I’ve gotten used to the request and have a handful of photos that I’ve fired off without too much thought. But this time, I stumbled. BIG TIME. As a photographer I know all the tricks of a good photo. Where to look at the camera, how to position the hands on your waist to make it look slimmer, how to hold the camera a little higher so you’re looking slightly up and it’s true what they say-some folks have a good side (I definitely have one). With all that “preparation” for a photo, I worry that I don’t actually look like my photographs. So, with this last request for a photograph, I took an ungodly number of selfies thinking, “Dang, I don’t think I really look like that in real life. I can’t even compete with myself!”

Shyness // I’ve always been shy. And I don’t anticipate that changing any time soon. On paper (i.e. text) I’m funny as hell. I’m sharp, witty and smart. But put me in front of someone and I clam right up. I worry though that my introvertedness will definitely come back to bite me in the ass when it comes time for a first date.

Weightloss // I have not and do not think I will ever come to terms with my weightloss. I know it’s weird and most people would be freaked about it is as well but only in reverse. There is such a weird mixture of emotions attached to this whole “process” that I want to get rid of every bit of evidence of the person I used to be. Which is weird, because I thought and still think she’s a pretty awesome chick. I’m just not sure anyone else will it the same way—and yes, I know that if the other person doesn’t seem it the same way they aren’t worthy of my time.

The only thing that keeps me my throwing my hands up and saying, “Nope! I can’t do it. I can’t put myself out there if I’m feeling this badly about myself.” is that somewhere, deep down inside, I know I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who struggles with massive bouts of self-doubt when it comes to dating. It’s just part of the deal whether we like it or not and we can either give into it and give up or recognize it and learn how to move past it.

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