Sunday Confessions

14 June, 2015

Fat is Not a Feeling // This week hasn't been super awesome. I'm still under the weather (allergies, bad cold, no one seems to know!) which has kept me indoors and not being all. And it sucks. The whole thing has brought on feelings of being "gross" and feeling "fat".

I hate that my automatic default when I'm uncomfortable in my own skin is that I feel "fat". Not that I'm uncomfortable because I'm sick. Not that I'm just really exhausted. And not that I feel "off" because I haven't worked out in a month. Nope. It always lands on "I feel fat".

I don't have many days like this anymore, but when they hit, they hit HARD. And I'm left reminding myself that fat is not a feeling. Feeling fat a socially constructed idea that is an acceptable explanation for "I just don't feel like myself today". You don't have to explain it. People just get it. And I hate it.

Back on Track // Having said all of the above, part of my feeling like I'm in a funk (and not just because I've been sick) is that I haven't gone for a run or even a walk in a month. Work has been frustrating. I've been spending all kinds of time contemplating and pursuing a major change.  And mustering up the energy to hit the trails has felt impossible. But I need to get back at it. Even if it's short leisurely walks with Bandit until I get back to feeling like myself.

Decisions // This week I made a big time, adult decision and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not the decision. The decision was to not pursue a job, a really good job, that would required me to move away from where I live now.

You see, moving forward with the interview process would have been the responsible thing to do. The job is basically what I do now, but with a little less responsibility, is in a city I LOVE and pays significantly more than what I am currently making.

So why turn it down? Because pursuing this career path means giving up on something before it even has a chance to get started.

And why I am flip flopping on how I feel about the decision? I can assure you, it isn't about the decision itself. I feel really GOOD about the decision. It's just that this is the first time I can think of when I didn't make the "obvious" decision, but instead decided to take a chance on the unknown. And that's an odd place for me to be. 

Sunday Confessions

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