05 March, 2015

Over the last week or two, I've been hit in the face with the reality that I have been lying to myself for longer than I had thought.

Here's the deal.....

For me, growing up as the "fat girl" (holy wow that was hard to type), there was always this voice in the back of my mind that told me if I could just be skinny, I would be happy and for me being happy meant being loved.

Sound familiar to anyone else?

I've written some (ok maybe a lot) about my recent lifestyle changes and weight loss. It's all anyone wants to talk about when I see them. How much have I lost? How much do I want to lose? How much more to go? Blah, blah, blah. If you want to read about it, it's here on the blog.

And I think I've even written that the more people talk about it, the more self-conscious I've become. Like, to a point where I'm almost freaked out about my body and how it looks now than I was before. And that can't be healthy.

Actually, I know it isn't healthy.

But I'm finding myself in this constant struggle of wanting to be proud of what I've accomplished, but wanting to hideaway because for so long this idea of being "skinny" holding the key to happiness and love is failing me.

I had always had this number in my head. This number that if I could just see it on the scale, it would mean I had done it! I had succeeded! But I passed that number months ago. And yet, I feel no different.

Yes, I feel stronger and physically feel good, but emotionally, no different. People tell me now that "You're getting so skinny!" and yet when I look in the mirror I see the same flaws I saw before. I see the same lumps and bumps that were easier to accept when I was the "fat girl" because those were the things that fat girls have and I was o.k. with that.

But now, it's like there has been another a regression into the world of "Don't look at me! I'm not good enough!".

And I need to figure out how to let that go. I need to figure out how to shut that loop off in my head. But what I really need to figure out how I managed to lose myself again and pick myself back up.

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