09 December, 2014

Life after D

Recently, a very dear friend of mine texted me to tell me she was signing up with a personal trainer. As soon as I read her text, I was immediately excited for her and proud of her for doing so. I know how intimidating it can be to make that decision to work with a trainer and putting your trust in them.

But then sadness set it.

It's been about a month since my last session with D....errr.....well, Drew. His name is Drew. And Drew was my personal trainer.

At this point, it seems like I should be "over it". The sadness and disappointment, I mean, of us not working together anymore.

It's a bit weird, really, how quickly that relationship became such an important part of my life  and how hard it has been to let it go.

On one hand, as friends and family like to point out, he was just my personal trainer. He was someone I paid to kick my ass each week in the gym. And I can sign up with another trainer. There are a few others to choose from.

But on the other hand, he represented something that is extremely hard to come by and someone I don't allow myself to have very often in my life: a source of unwavering support and someone I trusted.

For four and a half months, I trained with him for 3 hours each week and checked in with him nearly every day. He knew more about what was going on inside my head, the good and the bad, than my best friends did. He was able to see past the bullshit and get me to open up. None of it was easy and there were times that I hated him for doing it. But I have never felt as strong (mentally and physical) as I do now.

It was by no means easy and I think I had fewer ups than downs and it's taken a lot of time to believe it, but it is true. I am a much stronger person than I ever believed I could be.

So then why I all the anger and frustration and complete and utter sadness over his leaving?

It sounds so ridiculous, but it's because HE left.

The decision to start training had been all me. Each time I showed up at the gym it was because I  got myself there, crammed myself into my compression pants and worked my way through each session with him. And no matter how many times I wanted to give up and quit because "It was too hard", I didn't. Even in the midst of my weird emotional fallout after reaching my "goals" I kept going back. I didn't give up on the relationship and success we had built.

But his leaving feels like he did.

It feels like he gave up on me.

Rationally, I know his decision to pursue other opportunities had/has nothing to do with me.
Rationally, I know that my time with him would come to an end and it was likely better that it happened sooner than later.
Rationally, I know I need to let it go.

But having that decision to now "go out on my own" wasn't one I came to by myself. It was made for me. And that is what hurts and what makes me balk when people ask who I am training with now. Having had that decision taken away from me is what has brought all those walls back up and has me questioning how to get back to that place where I feel like I can trust someone on that level again.

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