Adventures with D: Express Yourself

01 November, 2014

Anyone who follows me on Twitter or reads the 'old blog will know things have been tough.

I mean honestly.....the last few posts, so much sadness and self doubt!

I wish it were all sunshine and rainbows but I'm learning that this journey is going to have its ups and downs and some of those downs are going to be REALLY DOWN.

Sadly, that is where I currently find myself.

I've gone back and forth with whether or not to share all of this. It's not bright and cheery. It's not fun and it's not really up-lifting. But it didn't make any sense to me to pretend that everything is hunky dory, so in an attempt to be as honest and open about this process, I'm sharing it all.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm not sure which of those this falls under. In some respects it could be all three. Just depends on your outlook.

This week D and I hit a weird wall of me being completely unable to communicate with him. We did a check-in (i.e. weigh in which was so much harder than I thought it would be) and I made an off handed comment about how I was/am exhausted by this whole process. The exercising, the food logging, the training, the conversations everyone wants to have about it.

No matter how much I tried to end the conversation, he kept pushing me, trying to get me to explain what I meant, which to me was completely counterintuitive because talking about it was part of the whole problem!

After some pressing on his part, I finally admitted that I felt like I was in a no-win situation: I was in a constant flux of worry that I was doing too much (I can no longer tell if I'm sore from working out or if I've injured myself) but then if I backed off I felt like I wasn't doing enough (rest days?! pffft.....I don't know what that means).

And then I just shut down.

I was desperately trying to hold back the tears (no one wants to be seen in the middle of the gym crying). I didn't want him to see me as a failure and just couldn't bring myself to confide in him in terms of what was really wrong. I left the session feeling like I had let him down, myself down and like I really had come to the end with him. Why should I keep training with him if I can't even talk to him?

Thankfully, even though I was ready to give up on this whole thing, he wasn't.

This game isn't about self image or aesthetics, attention or even achievement.  Its about self respect and forward thinking. 
You can't be afraid to fail; you have to embrace it, expect it to linger around waiting for you to give in. 
You already "succeeded"  when you made the choice to go for it, each time you show up, and each time you do things to feel good turn mentally.

The above are snippets from emails I've received from D this week. The day after my "shut down" he sent me an email that opened a whole new world of dialogue between us.

Where my voice has failed me, my fingers have done all the talking. Being able to put into words how I am feeling about this whole process has been amazing. Typing the words "I'm terrified I am going to fail" and setting them out into the universe felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Like now that I get it out of my head I could move on.

But the best part? He didn't tell me I was foolish for feeling that way or that I was wrong. He understood and is helping me work through it. Which is all anyone really wants isn't it? To have someone they can trust, they can confide in when things get though and will help you come out better for it on the other side.

On the days I don't have D to lean on to push me through the funk and much of self-doubt, I bought myself a new tank top for the gym. A nice reminder when I look in the mirror that I do, in fact, got this!
A photo posted by Meg M (@meglmy) on

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