30 October, 2014

Trust then Fall

I don't know when things started to take on a "doom and gloom" type of vibe but I suppose that is just part of the ebb and flow of life. On the plus side, that means things can only get better!

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trust // [truhst] // 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. 2. confident expectation of something; hope. 3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies. 4. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust. 

Trust is a pretty foreign concept in my life which is kind of weird because I put so much of it out there for the world to see. But, really that is just a small fraction of my life.

In general, there are only a handful of people that I do actually trust and that number keeps getting smaller and smaller.  As priorities change, so does my group of people.

I've been trying desperately to be more open with myself and with others about what I want. It's been a hard transition, especially when I've spent so much time bending myself to fit everyone else's molds and expectations. And it's been especially hard when you don't trust easily, even when it comes to trusting yourself.

But trusting other people?! Eeesh.......it's nauseating and terrifying.

I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When are they going to make fun of me? When are they going to let me down? When are they going to betray me? These are the thoughts that run through my head all the time.

And it isn't fair.

It isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to me.

And that's what I'm on a mission to change within myself.

Letting go of past hurt.

Letting go of past failures and disappointments.

And opening myself up and receiving exactly what it is I need, what I want and what I deserve from and for myself from myself and from others around me.

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