17 October, 2014

Obsess Much

Last night while laying in bed, trying to shut down my brain (which of course decided to kick into overdrive the minute I decided to go to bed), I pulled out my journal and started writing. I just let everything out that was bottled up and bothering me.

It was kind of weird to see what ended up on the page, the majority of it being about my internal struggle with what essentially boils down to the Adventures with D series and what it must seem like to read it.

But it's just not that.

I knew going into it, going in to working with him, that things would change. I knew I would change both mentally and physically. I excepted that there would be days when I hated him and this whole process. I expected that I would be sore and tired but that I'd work through it and carry on my merry way.

But there was one thing I didn't count on.

The obsession with it all.

The constant worry that I'm not working hard enough or eating little enough or logging enough workout minutes is overwhelming. And it is concerning.

I'm finding myself obsessing about the numbers. The numbers that didn't "bother me" in the past. But now? Oh sweet baby J am I worried about them.

Which makes me worry about me because I don't want to be that person but I don't know what to do about it.

And I don't like not knowing what to do about something.

I see D again on Saturday and am thinking at this point he is the only person I can talk to about this. But how do you broach a subject with someone who is essentially the catalyst for why you are freaking out? "Hey dude......I totally get that your intentions are good but we really need to stop talking about food because it's fucking with my head."

Awkward, but likely needs to happen if I'm going to keep my sanity.

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