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Adventures with D: The Hard Truth

25 October, 2014

First of all.....a tip.

Don't fall for your personal trainer. Seriously. DON'T DO IT.

It just makes things awkward. And you spend half your time giggling like a fool and misinterpret his being nice to you as something more. Which it isn't. It's kind of his job.

Anywho.....

As you may have gathered, the last few weeks have been rough. I'm in such a crap place mentally (as outlined here and here) that I'm back to wondering if it is worth it.

I have three paid sessions left before I need to buy another training package and for the first time, I'm wondering if I should even do it anymore.

Which is crazy.

I mean.....really, REALLY crazy.

Admittedly, I'm turning into one of those annoying people who LOVES working out and going to the gym and talking about it. And talk about it I do!

Well, I talk about it all except for one part.

Being the "fat girl" in the gym.

If you've never been teased, ridiculed. belittled, criticized about your weight or size, have been told you're worthless, just simply "taking up space", then first of all----good for you! I'd love to know what that feels like.

But for most of us, that isn't the case and we've heard all of the above more than a few times. Myself included. The looks, the sneers, the snickering of people behind you as you climb on the treadmill or elliptical for the first time, crammed into your workout clothes.

I spent years.....YEARS.....promising myself that I'd hit the gym when I lost some weight or if I found some cute workout clothes that hid the lumps and bumps, or whatever reason I could come up with for not going. Because sometimes, when you have a chance to hide away rather than put yourself out there for failure, hiding the easiest answer.

It's hard to "hide" when I work out with D. The gym is small. He tends to draw a crowd or looks when he walks by. And he's pretty good at his job and makes everything look 10 times easier than it really is.

D is constantly reminding me that I am physically stronger than I think I am. Generally to prove his point he'll hand me a slightly heavier weight or set the weights on the machines heavier than I think they should be and gives me a big 'ole "I told you so!" grin when I've successfully completed my sets.

But mentally, I am terrified.

Terrified I'm going to do something wrong. Or trip. Or fall. Or generally make an ass of myself. Or end up the subject of a gigglefest.

1-4 on that list are totally unavoidable. I'm about as coordinated as a newborn giraffe but it's that fifth one that makes me freeze and second guess everything I am doing. Because I've been there countless times and it sucks. And I don't want to go there again.

But how do you say that to a 6'4" dude who sends girls into piles of mush just by smiling at them?! How do you look at him and say, "I know I can do this. I just don't need people laughing at me when I try!"

And how do you convince yourself that all those laughing voices are from the past and have no place in your future?

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