23 August, 2014

Adventures with D: Oh, the Struggle

I've had a heck of a time writing this weeks post. I have such mixed emotions about all of this that I don't even know where to start.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up with all of this: the workouts, the training, the nutrition. And on top of that all the questions.

I knew I'd be physically exhausted, but I didn't realize how mentally and emotionally exhausting this would be.

It doesn't seem HOW many times I say this or how many different ways I say this, but my decision to start working with a personal trainer did not revolve around losing weight. It is however, the first thing people ask me when they find out I've been working with D and have noticed a change in my appearance. I suppose it's a natural assumption, based on societies overwhelming belief that one only works out to lose weight, be skinny and to look good.

It couldn't possibly have anything with wanting to feel better or be stronger. None of that is relevant. It's just all about tights abs and ass. But I digress.....

I had my first official "progress report" with D this week and it was totally shocking. Not only did I lose some pretty impressive poundage (18lbs in 7ish weeks), my blood pressure also went down 35 points. INSANE.

But you know what the first thought that came to my mind was? I could have and should have done better.

How does that thought even think it is allowed to exist? I mean seriously. I should have been nothing by proud of myself for all my hard work but I still felt like I failed in some way.

This is where the mental part of all of this is kicking my ass. And it showed in the days following my "progress report" with D. My workouts became shorter and less in tense. The twice-daily walks with Bandit haven't been as fast or as long, and my shitty eating habits have started to creep back in (I want ALL THE SALTY FOODS!). I feel like I'm backsliding and I'm not entirely sure how to stop it.

Thankfully though I know I have a good support system in/with D. I just need to constantly remind myself that and figure out how to lean on him a little bit more. But it's hard to let down a lifetime of walls that I've used to protect myself.


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