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This One Time I Took a Leap of Faith

04 July, 2014

I was 8 the first time I went on a diet.

And then again at 10, 13, stopped eating in front of people at 16, started purging at 19 and at 27 pretty much gave up.

I'm never going to one of those girls who is thin or have curves that knock someones socks off.

And I'm o.k. with that.

But I'm not o.k. with not being comfortable in my own skin. Which is where I have once against found myself. The last six months or so have been a struggle in self love and self worth. And no matter how many times I've tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, it DOES matter.

Let me make this clear: the numbers still do not matter. The number on the scale, the number of the clothes hanging in the closet, they don't bother me. It's a feeling. I don't feel like me.

So yesterday I did something that literally scares me to death because for a long time I've seen it as a sign of defeat. I've seen it as an acknowledgement that I am not mentally and apparently physically strong enough to do this on my own.

I signed myself up with a personal trainer and had my first "session" with him.

I spent 2 hours with him after work and it was a humbling experience.

The first hour we just talked and did an assessment. He confirmed things about my body and health that I already knew and yes, confronted me on somethings I'd like to pretend didn't bother me, but do in fact bother me quite a bit and need to be seriously changed. We talked about goals, what his thoughts where on how he would (not could, but would) help me reach them and not once did I feel like he thought I picked the wrong goal to work on first nor did I feel like he felt my goals weren't "good enough". I could have kissed him when he said we didn't have to focus on weight loss but that if that was something I was interested in, we could talk about. I said I'd get back to him.

The second hour he put me through our first workout together. Again, humbling. But amazing as well. It was the first time in a long time that I really felt like I had someone in my corner pushing me to break out of this weird barrier I have when it comes to working out (I'm going to chalk it up to the fat girl worry of being made fun of because let's face it, even though I like to pretend it doesn't happen to me, it does and it sucks). Not to diminish the support I get from friends with my running, but this was different. This was someone standing with me, watching me struggle, and still telling me I could do it.

I'll be with my trainer twice a week for at least the next four weeks. I'm all kinds of worried, scared, excited and ready to go.  This is definitely going to be a journey of self discovery, but I think I have, for the time being, the right person by myself to help me through it. 

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