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Adventures with D: Things Are Getting Real

18 July, 2014

"Sign up with a personal trainer." They said. "It'll be fun."

DISCLAIMER: The following has NOTHING to do with my personal trainer. He's the perfect combination of caring/understanding and enough of a hardass to push me when I need it. In fact, he is pretty amazing for putting up with my crying, self loathing ass right now.

NO.

This has to do with what happens when self doubt starts to take over and throws up a massive wall in front of you.

Up until now, even though the workouts have been tough, I'm managed to push through. I've been able to silence the voice in my head that keeps telling me "this is too hard" or "you're going to fail, why don't you just give up". I've been able to (not so gracefully) complete each exercise without completely feeling like I am going to pass out, puke or die.

But this week, not so much.

This week has been awful.

Thursday was the worst. I was exhausted from 10 hours at work. My allergies decided to kick up. And for whatever reason, just walking into the gym made me want to lay down and take an extra long nap.

Combined, all things lead to a self-esteem crushing workout.

It was all moves/exercises I've done before. Heck, there was even one I was able to increase the weight on. But it all hurt. It all felt like the weights were 10 times heavier, the step ups for five feet higher, I couldn't keep my balance to save my life and you would have thought I'd never done a squat or deadlift before in my life.

It felt like I was starting over without any sense of a "base" to work from. And it was crushing.

Days like this are what make me hate.......HATE......working out. Even more than a shitty run (which I've not done in three weeks). Days like this remind me that I am not an "athlete" and that I'm not someone who has the grace and coordination to pick up an exercise without stumbling about. Days like this remind me that I have to work EXTRA hard to silence all the voices from my past telling me that "You're too fat to exercise at a gym" or "Someone like you should definitely NOT be trying those exercises because NO ONE wants to see it" or blah blah blah.

But days like this also remind me that I'm stronger than I think I am. It might take me a few extra breaks or a few extra beats before reps, but I'm able to get it done. Days like this remind me that no matter how loud the voices in my head are, the voice in front of me, telling me "You've got this girl. I know you can give me one more"' is the one I need to focus on (even if focusing on who the voice is coming from makes me giggle like a glittered covered tween at a Jonas Brothers concert).

Tomorrow I have my final session with D for the week. It'll be two hours actually, instead of one. And I'm terrified. An hour mountain hike followed by an hour training session. I'm terrified that it will be too much, that I won't be able to get through both hours with him and that I'll feel like I've failed, letting myself and him down.

Here is to hoping I am wrong!

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