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F. A. T.

16 February, 2013

I'm usually not one to throw up any kind of disclaimer with my posts, but this one kind of feels like it needs one. Not because of anything bad. I respect my readers enough to keep my language in check (seriously, I have a mouth like a sailor--I don't just put a nickle or a dime in the swear jar at work, oh no, it's dollars and quarters). This gets a disclaimer because it was really hard to write and at times a little off course, but it was important for me to get as much out of me as possible with as little editing as possible. At times it might seem off topic and not make much sense, but as I've said before, that is kind of how my brain works.  

I am a huge fan of words (which is why I write---obviously!) but an even bigger fan of not letting them get to me. Because honestly, they can't do anything. They are just letters strung together into a coherent sound or noise we can all understand.

Right?

Over the years I've been called crazy, obnoxious, annoying. a whore, slut and bitch, heartless, mean, ugly, disgusting, a drama queen (side note--of all the words or terms used to describe me, this is the one my friends and I find quite entertaining and most of them have asked if the people who have said this about me have actually spent time with me), worthless, dumb.....I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Most of the time I'm pretty good at letting them roll off me. A friend once told me "you just have to be like teflon and let things slide right off you". I've carried that advice around with me for many many years and it works. Cheesy, but hearing those words in my head remind me that it doesn't really matter what they say. I know who I am and what I am about. I know my truth. And if someone can't (or won't) see that, it's not my issue.

But there is one word. One little adjective I can't shake. One word made of three relatively innocent letters that when put together can bring me to tears almost each and every time I hear it pass between someones lips......



Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat.

I hate it. But you know what I hate even more than the word itself? I hate that I let it get to me.

The other words, while they may initially sting, are a little easier to take--easier to deflect. Why? Because like I said. I know who I am. And I know they aren't true. O.k. so maybe I can be a little bitchy sometimes, but I digress.

But fat.....that's a whole other ballgame. That can be measured by my weight. What size dress I wear. Or by my pant size or anytime you compare me with the Hollywood standard, I am fat (for the record, that is the first time I have written that in an sentence, it's a little terrifying). It can be pointed out when my hips are just a little to wide for a slim cut pant or a top is cut scandalously low for my large breasts. It doesn't matter that I'm learning to live in the body I've been given or that there are days when I look in the mirror and think "Dang....I'm lookin' pretty good!" when that word is hanging above my head like a dark cloud.

Me and the dress!
Last week I wrote about Five Things I was going to do to make myself happy. And one of those things was to "wear bright colors" which really translates into "wear something outside of your comfort zone". So this week I did. I put on a dress that was two sized smaller than I am used to wearing. And it was all stripes. Black and white stripes. Lots and lots of stripes. Once I got used to the fact that I wasn't wearing something baggy and that it wasn't hiding anything, I loved it. I honestly loved the way it fit but more importantly I loved the way I felt in it. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at me looking back at myself, I was reminded how good it feels to be me. Not some preconceived notion of how I think I should be, but just myself. I remembered how refreshing it was to be at peace with not only myself but also my body that was made especially for me, even if others consider it (it being my body, not me) fat.

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to see or hear the word fat and not cringe. I wonder sometimes if it holds too much negativity and hatred for myself to ever really be free of it. I do hope that someday it will just become another word. Or will in fact become a word that I am able to embrace as just another in the long list of adjectives that I can use to describe myself without all the negative energy tacked onto it.

Until then, F.A.T. will just be another acronym for all the other beautiful words out there to describe myself and others: fabulous, artistic  tender, friendly, amazing, tenacious, fierce, affectionate, terrific, funny, attentive, thoughtful, faithful, altruistic, tolerant, foxy, awesome, talented, fantastic, alluring, trustworthy, free, astounding, truthful.



6 comments:

  1. That's a great dress and you are ROCKIN' it. Another blogger I follow is doing this e-course (or whatever it is) too. Sounds like it's a good experience.

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  2. That dress looks great on you!
    I am doing this e-course, too - I really struggle with my self-esteem, but mostly the f.a.t. part. Great acronyms.

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  3. First of all, you look amazing in that dress! I'm sorry that you got hurt, it is so hard to hear mean things from others and not take it to heart. I got a mean comment once about me being a bad mother who should stop blogging and spend more time with my kids. It took me about an hour to wallow in it, then I took it for what it was, a comment from someone who doesn't know me. We just have to be confident in who we are and be the best we can be:)

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  4. I think you look great in that dress, Rock it!
    Being a Plus size woman in this difficult world is never easy and I still struggle with saying the word FAT, so your not alone. We just have to remember that we are one of a kind, no one else can be you. Live life to the fullest and love yourself and others. :)

    Newest Follower! Can't wait to read more.

    -Cheltee
    http://somethingaboutyounme.blogspot.com/

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  5. This is so honest. I totally agree with Because of Jackie on this. I loved that photo of you and the dress. You look fantastic! I feel the same way. I know words are just sounds but sometimes, I am just very uncomfortable with my body. I love the very last paragraph of the post. Thanks for inspiring me!
    {Em♥teatreevintage.blogspot.com}

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  6. I love you. And I totally own that dress. It is the most comfortable thing in my closet. And I've been told that it looks really chic. Seeing it on you I tend to agree.

    I totally dig this post. Fat is just a word, but like some words it has power over us. Mine used to be fat. I'm cool with that one now. Reading totally changed my perspective. But sometimes it wavers when I use "fat" to describe myself, and people are quick to come to my aid, trying to make me feel better about myself... I know they are being nice, but its having the opposite effect, you know?

    Stephanie
    www.bassability.blogspot.com

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Thanks for reading!