A Rant.....if you will.

05 September, 2012

Today was one of those days when you wake up, things are pretty great and then WHAM! A bad mood hits you out of no where. my case it was after reading an email. Even though it was indeed the content of the email that set things off, but the motive behind the email wasn't intended to insight such a response. It just hit me on the wrong day at the wrong time.

I don't like to complain about my life. I mean, it's pretty fantastic. My family is awesome. My friends are brilliant and fantastic (most of the time). I have a job I like (most of the time). The freedom to do what I love. Everyday I am giving the chance to be creative, to express myself and to simply be.

But something, or should I say, someone is missing.

Disclaimer: I'll apologize now to a certain someone who may or may not end up reading this. I don't know if he follows my blog or not. I know he used to, but that was when this was linked/posted to my Facebook page which it no longer does which means who knows if he's ready anything I've written recently. So, if you are reading this and realize that I am talking about you, if you wanna talk about it upon your return, you know where to find me because let's be honest--I'm just going to pretend that you didn't read this and will go on blissfully ignoring the white elephant in the room if you did/do. That's how I roll. on!

I don't really do romantic relationships. I've never really been successful at them or should I say successful at falling for the right guy at the right time. I'm pretty good at picking the assholes, douchebags. jerks, dicks, any other adjective you may which to call them. I'm good at finding guys who break me down or don't respect me (or anyone for that matter) or who just aren't worth my time--that ultimate need to "fix" something is buried deep within me.

I'd come to a point where I was resigned to the idea of just going at it alone. I never say myself as one to be married anyway, so proclaiming that I was done with dating wasn't that big of a deal.

Then came along this fellow, who I tend to refer to as Captain Random. Nothing about his presence made sense to me. He was like this strange, exotic animal I had never seen before (wow--could that sound any cheesier). I remember feeling like all the air had been sucked out of the room the first time we were introduced. All I wanted was for him to notice me, for him to like me. We hadn't even spoken to one another beyond "nice to meet you" at that point. I think it was at least another month before any real conversation actually took place. Even then, it was all I could do to not giggle like a twelve year old at a Jonas Brothers concert.

It was a feeling I had never experienced before, but it didn't matter--he was totally attached. He was with someone and that someone was in it for the long haul so whether or not he "noticed me" or "liked me" or whatever was moot. I could have been the worlds most kick ass girl and it wouldn't have made a difference. So I did what I do best, I retreated and removed myself from him as much as I could. I spent a crazy amount of time trying to hide away, to make myself as inconspicuous as possible was because I had believed that if he got to knew me that he'd turn and run.

All of that "protection" I threw up around myself ended up having the exact opposite effect on him and how he saw me. When I found out he thought I "hated" him, it broke my heart. Literally crushed me and I found myself scrambling to find any way possible to make that better, to make that up to him.

Things did eventually change in a whole number of ways but in the end didn't matter. I still wasn't in a place where I could "take that chance" (I don't think he was either) and also because he was leaving.

But at least I was safe, right?

Safe in knowing that when he left, there was a very real possibility I would never see him again. Safe in knowing that with him being half way around the world I was able to put into perspective what I really expected (or wanted) would happen given the chance. Safe in knowing that my heart will "technically" be protected no matter where he ended up.

And that is where I find myself but utterly frustrated in so many ways, fighting to keep myself away from giving up. Fighting to keep myself away from safe. Because safe isn't living the life I want for myself, regardless of whether or not he is involved in it or not.

1 comment:

  1. I love your blog and just wanted you to know that I nominated you for a "blog award" on my latest post at!


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