05 August, 2012

Its One Thing To Say I'm Worthy of Love......

It’s another thing to say that I’m worthy of my own.

--Mike McGee

Before you go any further, please please PLEASE go check out Mike McGee whose poem I Mailed Myself a Love Letter Yesterday helped to inspire todays post. He's an amazing poet who (or is it whom--I never know what is correct) I had the most awesome pleasure of meeting way back in 2010--the whole exchange lasted all of 2 minutes as I was having one hell of a time keeping myself from bursting into an extreme fit of excited giggles.
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My imitation of a flamingo. 
My favorite section from Mike McGee's poem  I Mailed Myself a Love Letter Yesterday reads:
I’m a 5’ 6” stack of bad-ass 
which is just the right height 
for a man who loves life 
so if I’m gonna find a girl that digs me with life’s biggest shovel 
then I’m just gonna have to learn to dig myself first.

Every so often, I have to remind myself of this sentiment, especially as I watch my friends get married and start families of their own.

For most of my life, I've been told/taught/believed that my ability to be "loved" was wrapped up in how I look. For a long time I believed that if I didn't look like the girls in the magazine or on the television or movie screen I was out of luck. I was constantly comparing myself to everyone around me wondering "Why is it that no one wants to love me? Why is it that everyone else gets to experience love and I'm left out in the cold?" But even when I have been in relationships, being myself hasn't quite been enough. One ex in particular even told me that if I could simply "change the way I look" (I believe his exact words were "I mean really, have you looked in a mirror lately? There is just no way a girl like you could be with a guy like me"), then maybe, just maybe he would have been able to love me a little bit more and things "could have been different". Riiiiight. 

At the time I thought about it. Obsessed about it really. I rolled that conversation around in my head over and over and over. I tried figuring out what it was that I could change so that we could "work things out". But as time passed and I moved further and further away from that conversation, the more ridiculous the idea of changing who I was for one person really was. 
The further I removed myself from that relationship the more grateful I became that all those attempts to mold myself into that "other person", the person he assured me he "wanted" failed. 

That person he wanted me to be, wasn't, isn't and will 
never be me.

There are days when I wonder if I'll every find something to share all the love I have to give. Most days, I like to say 'yes' that he is out there. Most days, I believe there is someone out there for me who will love me for me (just the way I am), our paths just haven't crossed. But there are still some when I doubt that it will ever happen and it saddens me more than I would like to admit. There are days when I have to remind myself that not everyone has the same story. That not everyone takes the same path in life and that I have to believe whatever path I am on, is the right one for me. 
Dear Old Navy: Please keep doing what you do. If you stop, I'll have nothing to wear as my entire wardrobe is from your outlet stores. 


Even Sadie, although begrudgingly decided to get in on a photograph, too!

5 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. And I've had to make a similar journey to deciding what I "deserve." I've had guys in my past tell me I was a "fat, ugly loser" he could never like and and that he was looking for "perfect" and I wasn't it. Both of those cases have been rolling around in my brain for years. And they're there even now as I have a guy who texts me every day just to see how my day is going. I am having a hard time enjoying his attention because I keep waiting for him to decide he doesn't want to get to know me anymore. Sigh.

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  2. WHAT A GREAT POEM! I loved what you wrote. I think that all fatties have had that time in their lives where people told them they were "unloveable" or asexual. Pure crap.

    Love that top. So breezy. Lovely.

    Stephanie
    www.bassability.blogspot.com

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  3. I think if I had met Mike McGee I would most definitely burst into a fit of giggles. That street performance was so cool.


    And this looks like such a comfy and cute get up. You're right about Old Navy, they've been doing really cute stuff lately.

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  4. Hola Meg! What an awesome post. I can totally relate...been there, done that. YOU. Are. Beautiful. The Poem is truly inspirational...Wow!

    ~SimplyyMayra :)

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  5. You have to like yourself before someone else can like you...but I think you're beautiful just the way you are!

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