You Can't Always Get What You Want

03 April, 2012

Romantic relationships aren't really something I spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about. I've had some pretty shitty ones which makes remaining single quite appealing. And until recently......o.k......maybe not quite so recently. If we're going for full confession it's been quite a while, much longer than should really be allowed.

Anyway.....for quite some time now I've been feeling a little out of sorts. A little less than myself in the area of my heart. It's been feeling a little tender.

It's strange, how no matter how much you think you shouldn't, there are still times when your heart and head disagree and fight to move in opposite directions in terms of how you feel about someone; your heart screams at you like the ever encouraging friend to let yourself open up to the person while you're brain begs you to reconsider because in the end you'll (most likely) only get hurt. This is the crossroads I currently find myself at. Uncharted territory. Or territory I swore I would never let myself return to.

And all because of one person. One guy who I am so unbelievably certain if I actually got up the courage to tell him, really tell him how I felt about him, he would be gobsmacked (not going to lie, have always wanted to use that word in a sentence. Winning!) and it would forever change the course of our friendship.

The optimist in me wants to believe it would be o.k. That telling him would be ok. That he wouldn't totally freak out and run away screaming. That it is the right thing to do for a whole myriad of reasons and not just to make myself feel better. But the realist (a.k.a. pessimist) is winning out...mainly out of fear. Fear that he'll think it's a ridiculous idea and there is just simply "no way a guy like him could fall for a girl like me" (trust me, that conversation has already happened with another fella and it SUCKED). Fear that the timing of it all is completely wrong (in fact I'm not sure it could be any worse). Fear that he doesn't (wouldn't, couldn't, won't) feel the same way and to me, that is worse than never telling him at all.

This turned into a more of a "Dear Diary" type post, but I'm kind of o.k. with that. I think it's good for me to let my guard down just a touch every now and then. Here's to hoping it doesn't totally backfire on me though.

1 comment:

  1. I could very well have written this. I don't know if that's encouraging to you or not. Just thought you should know you're not the only girl with these thoughts/feelings.


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