If fear hasn't killed me yet, then nothing will.....

17 April, 2012

I am a big cheerleader for my friends.

I'm all about supporting them in nearly anything they want to do.

Pondering running a 5k? I'll meet you at the finish line with a big "YOU ARE AMAZING!" sign cheering you on.

Like a guy? I'm a good wingman, available to "get a headache" as soon as things are going your way.

Want a new tattoo? Sure....let's get one together (but not matching).

Need someone to just plain listen? I'm your girl.

But when it comes to myself, I am the biggest wimp I know. I can't make a decision (half the time) to save my life. I am TERRIFIED to go out on a limb or to take a chance on nearly anything because the thought of failure is absolutely stifling. A a leap of faith? No way, not without a safety harness and a giant squishy pillow to land on.

Case in point....a couple weeks ago I wrote (in a strange round about way) about a fellow I kind of fancy (ok....not kind of, really, really fancy) and since then have spent way too much time in my own head about it. I keep going back and forth with something about it or don't do something about it. That is the ultimate question, right? But there's a little bit of a monkey wrench is this scenario.

That's the thing though....there's always a monkey wrench (I'll get back to the fellow in a minute). Always a reason not to do something. Always an excuse as to why it "isn't going to work". Or why it's going to be a "total disaster". And no matter how many times I try to tell myself it'll be o.k. or that it's good to take a change every now and then, I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have the confidence that I know what I'm talking about or that things will, in fact, work out the way they are supposed to. I am just so freaked out by fear (a.k.a. failing), that I'm missing out on some pretty potentially fantastic stuff!

I'm counting on the fact that I know I need to figure this out is the first step to moving past it. I haven't exactly figured out how it's going to happen (that's mainly intentional--I think if I think about it too much, it's going to totally backfire) but to quote Rage Against the Machine....
It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here, what better time than now?

As for the fellow, whom (still don't know if that should be who) I have actually taken to referring to as Captain Random, I'm not sure I have ever fallen any further or any faster for anyone before him. I was telling a friend the other day, I literally catch my breath whenever I see him. Weird, right? And don't even get my started at how giddy a simple note from him makes me. We're talking giggles and everything short of doing a mini-happy dance. But for now, even with all the reassuring advice from friends, there is honestly nothing to be done about it (and this time it's not because of me dragging my feet so that's kind of a win!). I'm in this weird sort of limbo between what I want to happen and whether or not it is even possible. And at the risk of saying way too much, it's going to be MONTHS before these feelings will/can be resolved.

1 comment:

Thanks for reading!